4 weeks down

Cleared another week - 22 weeks (5.5 months) into pregnancy.  4 weeks on bedrest.  Mentally, been a challenge. Physically overcame a few hurdles.  But "I look to you" - remain steady in faith and focusing on bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world. Already trying to decipher my identity for the next few weeks/months and navigating through daily emotions.

The days are the same but my attitude changes hourly. I have to stay focused. Days go by slow but the weeks go by fast.
We have all the time in the world to do fun things as a family of four.

A few verses that I have lived by
Romans 8:18
2 Timothy 1:7

Books read:
A Mother's Hope
A Daughter's Dream
Redeeming Love
Soul Detox
Hunger Games, pt. 1
and now working on pt. 2

Tv guilty pleasure: make it or break it on Netflix.

Recent favorite food: little Debbie fudge brownies

I have gained 10 lbs.
baby girl heart beat average 156 over the past four weeks
all looks the same according the doctor with regard to complications. Cervix and stitch are holding.

So, we will do more of the same to keep her safe.

Mentally preparing for being a mom of two when this is all said and done.  what a blessing.

Hardest Job is the best job!

Stole this from an Olympics commerical....  "hardest job is the best job!  thanks, mom"  Its so true.  I remember being on bedrest with Layden and thinking that I couldn't wait to meet my handsome little man.  Now, at 19 weeks today, I sit on bedrest patiently fulfilling God's purpose for me.  God has big plans for this beautiful little angel.  So what might appear, to me, to be wasting time or making me feel unproductive, I still hold the title of Leland's wife and mom to these two little miracles.

Being a mom is the hardest but most rewarding job I have ever had.  And we all know that nothing that is worth having is easy.

I also believe in vision and goals.  And that is one reason this bedrest difficult.  But since I have to have one, I just need to readjust my goals, temporarily and allow my long term goals to be on hold.  Well, frankly, even short term ones before this.

God is placing seeds of encouragement daily through his word, our peeps (thank you so much for the support, we wouldn't know what to do without you), tv, and reading, etc...... I thank him for allowing me to never be alone.  When I find my security in Him, my anxiety subsides and if I always trusted in that it would disappear for good.

God's timing

So we watched church online this morning. Accidentally pulled up last weeks vs. live version. But it was perfect timing. I prayed for peace and understanding and focus through this process. Admittedly, I wallowed a bit in self pity yesterday. God brought a reminder through pastor craig this morning. One day not too long ago, I prayed that I would do anything to be a mom. Layden came (and not with simplicity) and I never knew a love this big. I also have long since surpressed the difficulties i expericenced with layden by the lifechanging memories we have made. And now we are blessed with a baby girl and I'm upset because I can't do stuff with friends or enjoy activities with Layden. What the heck is wrong with me? This is a part of my "do anything" to be a mom. Seems so trivial but no matter how my brain rationalizes it my heart does hurt for the sacrifice. While this feels like a very long road. Actually it's really not, in relation to the life for which we are responsible. This is definitely a test of every part of my character. I pray that god uses this time to work in me and through me. I have to constantly let go of what doesn't matter right now and allow the focus to be on what does. A life. Nothing more important than this!

Perspective

Baby girl Gray due nov. 7 @ 18 weeks put on aggressive bed rest til at least 28 weeks. This bad rest is harder than before Layden because of Layden. But blessed beyond measure at the awesome responsibility to do what We need to do to bring another child of God into the world. The things I will miss pale in comparison to her lifetime of memories and the legacy she will carry on. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "rejoice always , pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus" Last post was from July 11...Posting about the grief of losing our 2nd baby. God doesn't Do anything on accident! We will always remember and see that precious life in heaven someday.

Life and Loss

Its been a week for the record book. Up and down emotions....Most of all we reflect on the blessings God has given us and I am so grateful. Beyond belief.

How do we make sure circumstances don't define us? Wake up and choose to be in control over it. Choose to have faith. Pray for peace and comfort. Know that the plan is way bigger than we see.

There aren't any lessons learned here. Just loss. Emptiness. Only can be filled with the focus of all positive blessings in our lives. Helping others. Blessing others. Redirecting the grief and using it constructively to make a difference. Waking up every morning to a new day with a toddler who's very existence is completely miraculous. The love we feel for him is incomparable. unconditional. irreplaceable.

Prayer for full peace and recovery and the gratitude of what the creation of life meant to us. Possibilities and incredible life fulfillment are in our future. What does our commitment to God cost us? Sometimes having faith in the Will of God is so difficult to reconcile with our emotions and our fleshly desires. He never said it would be easy but he will bear our burden if we confide in him. Matthew 5:4. Having faith in Him and his Will means we never have to be alone.

catching u up on your developments

Favorite things are airplane, motorcycle, trucks, tractors. Although motorcycle is not clear we know what you are saying because you freak out when you see it. Mommy plays a mean joke and if you are starting to fall asleep in the car and I don't want you to, I say I see a motorcyle and you jerk awake. Such a mean trick, but its funny to us.

other new words: pool, ni ni (night night), ou si (outside), bub bles. Mommy and daddy are faces instead of words.

You have been able to put your whole alphabet puzzle together.

Celebrated 4th of July, and you like to say "boom".

You are fascinated with your nostrils and mommy's.

You play ring around the rosie.

And you love to swim!

You are keeping us so busy, but we love every minute of it. You give us something new to look forward to everyday.

in other news....

Monkey knows where his head, ears, tongue, hands, fingers and toes are. We are working on nose. Nose. Nose. Nose. And eyes and mouth. Oh, he also knows where his belly button is. So sweet. Also, when he reads the word "clap" he claps. Yes, reads. :)